Enjoying the Fullness of God

This is a journal entry from my sophomore year in college. Often God speaks to me and I write it down in my journal or I type it out... this one is from May 12, 2008

Often times when I get stressed out or have a lot on my mind I like to find a place to just be with God. In the summertime that solitary place usually ends up being outside in Nature. Since Minnesota is actually warm in May, I decided to take a walk with God outside to get things off my mind and listen to him. I started off my walk saying,"Ok God, you know all of my worries and all of my prayers, so now I just want to listen to you and hear your voice." I prayed for the Holy Spirit to come and help me listen and not doubt what I was hearing, I wanted to truly listen to what God was teaching me. Right after I prayed I saw this little tiny beautiful bow laying on the ground, the kind that you see taped on the top of a perfectly wrapped gift. As I glanced down at this pink bow, God told me that I am supposed to be used as a gift to others. He created me for a purpose and that is to bless others and pour myself out to them and give myself to them just like a gift. God gave me many gifts and is teaching me many things and if I hold them back, even a little part of them, I am not being used for the purpose that God intended me to be used. When you give a gift it is purely to bless the other person, not to receive something back in return, be praised or even necessarily thanked for that gift. That is what God was telling me to do. to be available to give all of myself without the need to be thanked, praised or even noticed! Which is good, but hard! I usually do want to be acknowledged for the things I do, the things I say or when I help somebody out. I am called to pour myself out to others as a gift without expecting anything in return. God is going to use me as a gift and I need to be willing to give all of myself, not just the parts that I'm ready or wanting to give.

Then God spoke to me over and over again saying, " I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you". I realized that I believe that He loves me, but I don't really feel that he loves me. The verse that he showed me was in Ephesians, Ephesians 3:17-20, "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." This is a verse that I have been trying to pray daily for my siblings. After thinking about that verse God was telling me that often times I think I know everything and that I don't need prayer for certain things. But in reality... usually the things I pray for others also applies to me! Basically he was telling me to definitely pray for others because that is very important, but also that I need to pray these certain things for myself as well if they are things that I am not believing or feeling for myself! I cant just point out the things in others and not think about what I need to change, I need to focus on changing myself while continuing to pray for others as well. So I was asking him to help me to feel His love; He told me that I need to accept it. If I don't accept his unconditional love there is no way that I can love other people with that same unconditional love! I need to accept and believe that he loves me exactly the way that I am and that I do not need to work to gain his love or keep it; he already loves me unconditionally. I need to learn to accept that love and receive it so that I can love others and accept them just the way that they are. He was showing me all the things around me and said that he loves me so much he created all the stuff around me; the rain, sun, wind, snow, trees, mountains, smells, taste, colors, all the stuff that makes me enjoy life. he wanted to show how much he loved me by creating the beautiful things of this earth! Even if I would have been the only person on earth he still would have created it just for me, which is REALLY hard for me to truly believe!!

The next thing the Lord was saying was that in order for me to be poured out as a gift to others I need to just listen! I need to stop thinking that I know it all and that I have all of the answers! "Your only job is to listen, your only job is to LISTEN. Do the same to them as you have been praying for others to do to you! Sincerely care about them and just listen to them, don't try to have all of the answers and all the right things to say to make yourself look Good, smart, or Godly... Just LISTEN! I will speak through you, your job is to listen. That will mean the world to people and show that you actually care about them. I will speak through you!!"

Then the next thing I felt that God was teaching me in order of giving myself to others is to serve! I need to have a servants heart and bless others with my service. I need to do everything for God, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." Colossians 3:23. I need to serve without the motivation to look good or for other's to see! I need to serve especially when no one is watching because it is then that the Lord truly sees my heart to serve and not a willingness to look good or Godly in the worlds eyes. "Serve others out of the goodness of your heart, especially when no one else is watching."Another thing that he was teaching me was that I need to be vulnerable. Often times I expect people to share deep things with me, assuming that they can tell that I truly care. I think that they will see my heart for them and open up to me. But that is a scary thing for someone to do if they are not sure what someone's reaction will be! So I felt like God was telling me that I need to be vulnerable and be willing to share things about myself to others in order for them to feel comfortable with me and will be willing to share things with me. Even if they don't respond the way I want them to, or if I feel like I have been hurt by their reaction, I can't let that stop me from giving all of myself to others as a gift and to just run to God with those hurts and trust that he will take care of me and help me through it. I can't let those fears and hurts hold me back from sharing my true self with others because that opens up for them to share who they truly are, their true heart and it helps us to both feel known. It also helps us to be who God made us to be, we should never hold back from that beauty...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?'Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.Your playing small does not serve the world.There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.We are all meant to shine, as children do.We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.-- Marianne Williamson

God has so much to say to us. If we let him, he will speak truth over and over again to us until we believe what he is saying. God wants to spend time with you. He longs for you. He desires you and looks forward to the times that you set aside just for him. Allow yourself to enjoy and seek him. He will show up, and he will surprise you with a love like no other.

Living Out of Control

I want to live my life out of control. I’m not talking about going crazy and being “out-of-control”. I’m talking about living in a way that forces me to depend on God. I want to let God be in complete control of my life. Knowing exactly where I’m headed and having all the answers to life doesn’t really matter. All I need to know is that I am living for a God who has the world in his hands and has complete control over all things. As I was thinking about the need to live my life in complete dependence on God the story of Elijah and the widow came to my mind.

The story in 1 Kings 17:7-24 is about a widow Elijah met in Zarephath whose life was out of control. Not only was she a single mother, but she and her son were on the verge of starvation during a time of drought—nothing she had control over. When Elijah heard the situation she was in he told her not to worry because God would provide for her. The woman obeyed and lived day to day only with the faith that God would be true to his promise and not let her flour or oil run out. As the widow obeyed the words of God from Elijah and trusted on God for a miracle, God proved himself dependable. Miraculously her flour and oil never ran dry. A little later, though, the widow’s son died. It was as if God was reminding the women that he was in complete control over all aspects of her life. He wasn’t ok with the widow simply depending on God for food, she had to completely trust and obey God in all circumstances and with everything. The widow was doing her best to keep food on the table so that she could keep her son alive and then he gets sick and dies anyway. The former miracle of the flour and oil never running out seems tiny in comparison to what God did next. He gave life back to the boy. Now there would be no question that was God who had complete control.

As the widow lived a life clearly beyond her control and in obedience to God—God proved that he was in control and powerful enough to take care of all her problems. Her life was lived in complete dependence on God. I read this story and got to thinking about how I very often live my life as though I am the one in control. There’s not that much I feel like I have to depend on God for and I don’t really expect or even need miracles. What would happen if I actually did let God be in control of my life instead of me always trying to figure it all out on my own? What would happen if I started asking God for miracles? I’m not saying I want to go off and live irresponsibly, I just want to live like Proverbs 3:5-6 says to: trusting in the Lord with all my heart, not depending on my own understanding, but acknowledging God in everything. After all, what do I really need to worry about? “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (Matthew 6:25-34). It is when I am most out of control that God is most powerfully in control.

A Spirit-filled Life

I struggle to always and actually keep in step with the Spirit moment by moment. To submit and give up everything truly is radical and terrifying. However when I think deeply about it, walking in my own wisdom, contrary to the Spirit's leading, is even more frightful. Though I struggle, I know that ultimately I want nothing more than to live in total surrender and abandonment to the Spirit every moment I have left on this earth.

The Spirit may lead me into total sacrifice financially, or He may lead me toward humiliation in the opinions of people around me. The Spirit may ask me to move to a different city, a different state, or a different country. The Spirit may ask me to stay where I am and spend my time in very different ways than I do now. He could lead me toward actions like in 2 Samuel 6, where David danced (it says in "a linen ephod," the equivalent of priestly underwear) before the Lord "with all his might" (v. 14). Others were shamed by his undignified display of worship to God, yet David said that he didn't care and that he would become even more undignified for the sake of the Lord. All he cared about was worshipping his God.

When I read this story, part of me says, "Yes, I want to live like David. I want to forget about what others think and worship my King with all of me." The other part of me says, "Okay, but practically, what does that look like?" How do I walk in such intimacy with abandon, heedless of those around me who might consider it inappropriate? And do I really need not to care about what others think of me?

The crux of it, I believe, is realizing that being filled with the Spirit is not a one-time act. As we read in Galatians about the Spirit and the flesh, walking with the Spirit implies an ongoing relationship. Being filled with the Spirit is not limited to the day we first meet Christ. Instead, throughout Scripture we read of a relationship that calls us into an active pursuit of the Spirit. ... Second Corinthians 3:18 says, "We all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit" (TNIV).

--- Francis Chan from his book Forgotten God